Conflicting, Raging Anger!

I'm now 6 weeks into parenthood and I love it. i think it's the best thing I've ever done. I completely adore my son even if he does have a really good aim when his nappy is off. Every day he's growing and changing. This week he's developing his smile more and more and discovering where his hands are. It's amazing.
The thyroxin levels in his blood now are stable for the moment, so he's now a pink baby and putting on weight like a monster. This is good as he'd still not made his baby weight 2 weeks ago but last week when weighed he was 10lbs 2oz and guzzling for england. We have more trips to the hospital and regular blood tests but things should be good (aside from the rushing about)

I wish I felt happier though. Things seem to be going from bad to worse at the moment.

My grandad is still in hospital. He has a pretty bad stroke this time and I can't see him recovering. We know he knows us but I also know being a proud military man that he'd be absolutely appalled at the condition his body is in and be embarrassed that we see him like that. I think he knows this. I can't help thinking that he's making a choice by refusing food and is waiting to hop off. I think he's had enough and it's so painful as he's the only grandad I've ever had but I know he's hate it if he was "well" but trapped inside his own body like stroke victims are.

My dad's father died when my dad was only 15 so I never knew him. My mums father was killed in an accident in 1944, 2 months before she was born so she never knew him let alone me. Grandad is technically a step grandad but he's my grandad, my mums only dad and I can't imagine him not being here. I'm so so glad he got to see Lo' before he had the stroke. We hope that something might change but I also expect a phone call daily.

Al's still not found any work, there is literally nothing out there at the moment, 200 people apply and they don't even get a response. Al's getting dispondant and I know my friend tom is in the same boat. It's worrying me as we now have the decision to make about the childminder. We can't afford her if Al's out of work but if he finds a job then we're screwed. With all the shite going on in the government about expenses and Kaka being signed to Real Madrid to play football for £50 million pounds it's galling to even imagine that kind of money and what it could do for struggling families.

Then we have my dad who has been made part time, 2 days a week so mums now worried about money. They shouldn't have to, they're pensioners. They've grafted hard their whole lives paying taxes to allow the scum of this country (Nick griffin and the BNP note the worst offenders on this one are NOT immigrants but scum bag white English who refuse to work) who sit about on incapacity benefit when there is nothing wrong with them, playing the system to buy their gucci trackies who have never contributed to society. Now people who actually need it, pensioners, families, single parents etc.. need it they get bugger all. Makes me SO angry.

Then there is my brother who we found out yesterday might be out as well. We are waiting to see if he will be in a job next week or not. Just after finding out the joyful news that they're expecting another child early next year this happens. They're already struggling to run a pub in difficult times and needed bro's job.

To top that off I only have 2 weeks left of maternity leave before I have to go back to work. I HATE this. I'm veering between floods of tears and the drive to make the most of every moment of beans face. The thought of going back is so hard. It's not what I want, I want to look after my child. I want to see him grow and go to school. I want to be there to see his first smile, his first steps, his first laugh and I won't be because I pay taxes for nothing. I get no help when I need it. I can't tell you the guilt, the anger, the pain I feel having to do this. It's so unfair.
I've had to stop breastfeeding so I can go back to work and that's been equally as emotional as I loved doing that. It was special time.

I feel like I'm in a concrete surround with no way out at the moment and I know I'm only one of thousands of people in the same boat during these crunchy times.

It annoys me that daily we have to see David ponsonby - MP of x, y or z come out of his moated house to "represent" the common folk because he feels he "knows" them. But of course he doesn't think that claiming 60k of public money is wrong even though he'd already paid that mortgage off and already receives an over inflated salary? Of course - the "common folk" would understand no?

This whole expenses thing I think has given everyone a mistrust of politicians (more than before) and I have to ask any Labour MP what their game is. Labour always stood for equality for all men, no class system, no rich people without paying. So how can someone saying they're a true Labourite claim ANY expense. It'd be totally against their ethics surely? it's up there with a Labour Peer in the dictionary under Hypocracy!

*angry skippy soapbox over*