Cluckety cluck cluck...f*ck.

I'm supposed to be having an early night. I am exhausted, like really exhausted. I feel tired, beyond tired, my limbs are like lead. But I can't sleep. I keep thinking bout my boys, they amaze me, but I'm currently grappling a sense of unfinished business. So my question is, when do we stop being "broody"?

I always always always thought 2 would be my magic number. Don't get me wrong, I ADORE my 2 and they are my world, they will always be my world and they couldn't make me more happy. They are infinitely imperfect lil beings that are growing and learning in front of my eyes which is just incredible to watch…but I don't feel done yet.

I want another one.
I want.

But is it what I want?, or is it a biological thang, something inside me that just urges the passing on of gene after gene to ensure my line survives (yes women have lines too). Or is it just because this time first child, we were planning trying for Noodledoodle and look what happened there…9 months later and a 20 month age gap and kablam, 2 gorgeous boys to be my pride and joy.

I do feel, just, not finished tho, however unless there is some kind of hocus pocus there are measures in place to ensure that no serendipity bubs appear...which makes me more sad.

It's just strange and I've not admitted it out loud but it's really getting me down and I can't pin point why..I'm not used to not being able to pin point things. It's what I do best. I'm getting on, 40 fast approaches I'm wondering if I'm having a panic "ohgodmybodywillfallapartquick!" thing.

Hadduno but it makes me sad to think I will never have a daughter (i know this won't necessarily happen however times we tired of course), to be as close as me and mum are (well hopefully) to pass on family heirlooms too and to share history with, to keep my line going. It really makes me sad :(

I'm tired with 2, I feel guilty with 2, i have to work with 2, i have to pay childcare with 2…3 would make is sooooo much more complicated but will I regret not going with it?

Would I regret going with it?

Gimme a lotto win, that'd sort it all out in a second.