melancholia

I haven't written for a while, things have been a little hectic in work and the last thing I want to do when I get home is sit for another 2 hours going through the "fun" stuff and blogging, I've found collapsing on the sofa more productive.

It's definitely been eventful the last weeks have been hectic and I've felt tired and still a bit sick. A definite sign I need to chill out a bit. Still there is lots to be done but finally the house seems to be progressing, last weekend Bean's room was plastered (thanks to some expert dry walling from dad and Al) and now all it needs is skirtings and we can actually finally get the insurance people in to decorate this ending a chapter for this year. I can't wait. It'll finally feel like a room has been done. This should set in motion the ability to move the furniture from downstairs upstairs into the "spare room" and begin filling and decorating in the dining room. That will be a good day as that signals the end (for now) might be nigh!

So I'm getting a bump now too, although I've not felt any more movements I can specify other than it feels like wind but in the wrong place. I'm now nearly 19 weeks which is very odd. I can't believe we will have the next scan soon.

Some good news which I knew of but which I hadn't been able to tell is that my best mate who's baby died last January suddenly, is also pregnant and expecting at the same time as me. It's bittersweet for them as they approach his birthday anniversary and the anniversary in January of that fateful day. She is being monitored so closely and are having a barrage of scans but they're anxious and I think part of me being when I am mentally about my pregnancy is worry for them and the knowledge that anything can happen, not time is it "all ok"

We just live with the hope it will be this time.

Galling when you read about people who have children and then kill them or allow other people to harm them. Problems or not there is definitely no reason for any faith in anything when you hear that.

I am failing to have faith in "the system" too, not that I had much in the first place mind. I find it offensive that by law I'm not recognised as Al's partner, there is no such thing as "common law" these days so if anything happened to him I'd not be entitled to anything automatically, I'm not classed as his next of kin or anything like that despite being together 8 years. However when it comes to benefits, oh well then it's a different story. Suddenly I am his partner and if he's on the dole or if we want to claim extra money to allow for a tiny bit longer on maternity. All of a sudden it counts and I have to top up his benefit or his wage has to be included in the calculations.

Double standards.

Nowhere is there provision for families like ours where the major wage earner is female, it's just not considered. It annoys me because I pay taxes, I work hard and when I need a break I can't get one. If I was some filthy smackhead pushing out fifty kids then they'd give me a seemingly endless supply. What do I want? A couple more weeks where I can be at home with my child before having to go back to pay that tax to feed that filthy smackhead's habit. Seems fruitless and unfair.

Guess that's life tho. So it looks like I will be off for 6 weeks with Bean, 8 if I take 2 weeks hols and that's all folks. So much for the Governments "generous" maternity package that encourages women to stay at home with their children longer. I guess this is what they mean by the dilemma a career woman faces when she has children. Give up the job so you can be the mother but that'd mean being homeless or have the career but live with the guilt of not being there to see your child's first smile.

It hurts.